These three extracts are from my journal i kept whilst on my Ayahuasca journey. It needs some editing but i think it’s about time i shared what i have so far 🙂
In the Air
Views from high above looking over London’s ever growing glow.
Distance holds close to me heart like butterflies clinging for the space to soar free towards the open air. A moment of panic loosens at my core, relaxation seeps in and a breath of cool air clouds my head, leaving a trickle of brilliance. I sigh as I finally fly through the air, ready for my sacred healing journey with Ayahuasca.
A playground of twinkling lights shine up from London’s enormous playground. Patches of darkness show natures slumber, lines of light show London’s ever increasing growth and reveals its concrete structure to be wide awake with the tides of time. A city that never sleeps and roads that are never empty, always carrying someone or something from A to B.
A vastness of symmetrical light patterns and patches of Gaia’s sweet slumber.
Heaven. Hell. Love. Hate
A journey with Ayahuasca
Last night was the hardest night of my life. Nightmare visions come abruptly, cartoons of torture scenes, of killings, voices screaming in my head, deafening me, holding on to me. Darkness crept out of me. One I hadn’t ever discovered before. Rains of blessings followed after the turmoil.
I waited patiently for Ayahuasca to kick in. Nothing. About an hour went by and still I felt nothing but agitation and annoyance. I started to doubt everything, to doubt my beliefs, my very existence…Then it began. As the Shamans went further on into the songs I started seeing arrays of geometric images. Flowers bursting from the Shamans themselves, beautiful thin multicoloured lines of the plant spirits that they were channelling. They flowed towards me with such bounty and life. Many more geometric shapes clouded my vision. I kept my eyes open just in case I was imagining it. I wasn’t.
The illusion of time ceased to exist, everything was stripped off of all its layers, raw energy flickered in and out of the space and lightshows of orbs filled the spaces in between, making themselves known to everyone. I saw myself soaring through into the universe towards the stars, a million galaxies away. I thought for sure I was heading towards home, that I’d see my fellow star seeds once again. Suddenly it stopped. My soul hovered in the space between the void, between Summerland and Earth. I’m not sure how far away I was from Earth, and upon thinking about it I instantly felt a cord attach itself to me, ready to pull me back down. I couldn’t understand what was happening or how long I was there for and the more I thought about it, the stronger the cord became. That’s when beauty turned into complete darkness.
I waited and waited for my purge but nothing would come out. I felt extremely nauseous and felt the sickness churning in my gut. Now wasn’t the time, only after I endured my nightmare I would be free to finally lie down and close my eyes.
The nightmares were constant. Dark entities surrounded me and filled my vessel with pure ill news. The songs were beginning to get too intense. I could feel everyone’s energy. I could feel the trauma of it all. I tried so hard to block it all out but I couldn’t. I felt completely raw and open, as though I skinned myself alive waiting to die. I looked up at everyone around me and felt shivers run down my spine. I could see the darkest of entities watching. We all had one each, some had more. I couldn’t make out any features, only the unyielding blackness. I’m not sure what they were, only that I could feel their ill pursuits, the hollowness of them all, the potent lack of anything good. I closed my eyes wishing them away but still they remained, echoing in my visions.
My nightmares were a mixture of cartoon torture and death scenes. Like an awful version of Ren and Stimpy, tripping out in heightened forms. A loud voice in my head constructed it all, spewing negative words at me, orchestrating this bizarre force of negativity…So loud…So unnerving…So twisted…So torn. Piecing it together brings tears to my eyes. Death wouldn’t stop! Something threw me into a pit of thorns and scarred my physical form. It was laughing…Laughing at my misfortune, my pain.
For the first time in my life I felt completely disconnected from Gaia. I couldn’t feel her, I couldn’t see her, I couldn’t even sense her. Gaia is always with me, I have always felt her. Something was keeping her out, something inside of me perhaps? Maybe it was the dark entities pulling me further away to test me, to push me. My whole body started to shake and I stumbled through with sheer panic. I couldn’t sense her and it threw me off. I was crashing downwards into an endless spiral of sickness. I didn’t want to continue, I wanted to leave as soon as it was all done, to go back home. Why was I here? Why did I come? I didn’t need it, did I? I’m not worthwhile; I don’t deserve to be healed. How these thoughts plagued my mind! Something had sucked away my love light and joy.
…Then it came. The purge. I spued and spued, unable to control myself…Not only mentally, but physically too. I was so afraid.
Pure darkness came out that night. I physically felt lumps leave my mouth and crash abruptly into my bowl. Thick dark liquid flew out. I couldn’t breathe. I was choking. I called for help and tried to get my words together, to put a sentence to make sense but I couldn’t. I was crying, vomiting and shaking all at the same time. Panicking. I never was afraid of death before I tried Ayahuasca, but that night I was. Luckily it would change the more and more I took Ayahuasca. After all, it was just my shit that was coming out. A world filled with burnt tar from not only this lifetime, but from my past lives too.
After my purge I felt better. My stomach settled, my eyes became heavy and a sleepy sensation washed over me in the midnight dew. Calmness slowly crept its way back in and I felt life once again wash over me. I fell down to sleep, ever grateful for the help and kind words of encouragement I had received. I looked towards the stars and watched as monkeys slowly danced on the trees, so effortlessly and with elegance in the night. Then it came, a large black panther slowly woke from her slumber, stretched out onto the thick branch and stood on all fours beneath the stars. Graceful and at ease, she looked straight at me, ever watchful and present in my life. In that moment I felt safe and would finally be able to fall asleep.
It’s not at all what I had expected for my very first Ayahuasca experience…But I know in my heart that it was all for my highest good. It wasn’t something I wanted to endure again but I have a feeling that I will probably have to. I know in my gut that it’s all happening for a reason. Its part of my healing and I need to go through it in order to reach my mystical light. Although throughout my journey I felt that I was going to die in this sick twisted daze of thumping catastrophe, there at the end a light waited for my arrival. A light I had completely forgotten about.
Before the second ceremony, PM
Ayahuasca is not a toy, it’s not a drug, it’s not to be taken lightly. I thought I was prepared to bare all my darkness I carried from not only in this life, but in my past life too. Truth is I wasn’t as prepared as I thought. Nothing can prepare you for the experience. After all, she gives you what you need, not what you want. Tonight I’ll be brave. I’ll ask her to heal my heart and my relationships. I know it will be difficult, I know I’ll stumble and probably have my insides turned inside out again….I know I’ll feel death lingering as I did the very first night…I’ll try to be brave…The darkness I have needs to leave my physical form so that forgiveness prevails and I live in harmony with not only myself but with others too. I hope but reading this you will understand that you must take Ayahuasca seriously. The dieta is especially important because it not only helps in the cleansing process, but it also shows that you respect this ancient healing vine. Your dedication does not go unnoticed by her. She will help you, even if that means experiencing the nightmares of your harshest truths buried deep in your vessel and subconscious. We’re so used to getting what we want that the notion of getting what we need is alien to most people. We have to remember and acknowledge that what we need is sprung from our highest good and what we want is sprung from our materialistic world, our 2D perception. Need and want are two very different things and it’s what we need that will ultimately aid us in raising our vibrations and help us ascend to a higher dimension where our frequencies are matched with the purest of light. It’s my belief that we need to let go of materialistic wants in order to truly appreciate what is already inside of us – love, light, peace, power…We have all the tools we need…Now us them.